Sunday, August 01, 2010

Forgiveness

Sometimes, the people who make the most difference to our lives...........are the people we barely know, sometimes they are the shadows in the tiny alleys that we overlook, sometimes they are the friendly smiles in the tiny by lanes of the road we like to call life.


There was this person..or rather still is.......I'll call her S for now...I'd like to believe that our meeting was fated. It started of as a casual meeting at a corner in front of a coffee shop....things led to another...and we found ourselves hurtling towards an unknown future at a very fast pace......why am i telling you this? Because this person irrespective of what she was, who she was......made me ask myself one of the most simplest of questions that I never bothered about. "What are you so afraid of?".


We went our seperate ways. I was blind...and arrogant....i refused to see the signs, made her feel horrible about herself.


The fact that we parted is not what bothers me. It's knowing that she has not forgiven me that does the job. And that very fact, does not allow me, to forgive myself.


What used to be face to face walks in the evenings after a long day have now been reduced to comments on blogposts that are as good as invisible....


Irrespective of what was.....I lost a friend....and somehow...my life feels incomplete without her being a part of it....in her own small way....


She might be reading this, she might not.......but if she is, I'd like her to know, that her absence at times feels like a small vaccum trying it's best to suck me in......and that even if she does change her mind...forgives me for my mistakes, I know she will never forget....and that it will be a cold day in hell before i can forgive myself compeltely.


The problem with looking around for something you can't find is.......that you forget what's in front of you....she taught me that...and I'm grateful.


She celebrated her birthday recently.....and incase she has changed her phone number, and didn't recieve my text.... I'd like to wish her a belated happy birthday as well.

16 comments:

Disguise said...

Yeah, you have only her to apologize to, don't you?

Koo said...

Your background forbids people to read O_o

UjSen said...

@dishari: It's not always about you.

@Koo : I think my page isn't loading on your system fully.....it's very visible on everyone elses' ! :S

Disguise said...

It never was. So the question of " always" doesn't really arise.

UjSen said...

^you won't understand.....

Tanvi Nimkar said...

I had gone through the same few days ago. But let me tell you one thing, what you feel is perfectly acceptable and don't worry she'll one day forgive you come back to you.
She will understand and come back :)

J said...

saudade. What do you want now? You always seem to miss different girls at different times of the year.

UjSen said...

@Tanvi:

She made it clear she doesn't want to be a part of my life or have anything to do with my anymore. She can suit herself. Her loss. Not mine. You need to hands to clap. I extended mine. She didn't. So to hell with it period. Life goes on. I might seem cold uncaring and bastard like, but i've realized sometimes, you shouldn't give a fuck at all.

@ J

"Saudade" Spanish for nostalgia? with hints of fatalism? very apt.
What I want right now, is to start moving forward. On overdrive. Be the person I am. No one's perfect.If life requires me to be a bastard I will be.

And do I know you?

J said...

Life doesn't require you to be a bastard, it is you who choose to be who you are. Can't blame it on life, I thought you were smarter than that. Know me? I think you've forgotten me.

Niket said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
anjalee anand said...

One thing you got right, she doesn’t want to be a part of your life anymore. But then again do you really blame her? You gave her no reason to want to be a part of your fucking life. Its just plain ridiculous for you to actually expect her to want to be a part of your life when you can’t even be a part of your own life for fucks sake.
Now one thing you got wrong. It’s obviously your loss, not hers. You are the one loosing out on a person so extraordinary, so fucking brilliant, a person who can make your day with one smile, a person who is always there for the people she cares about, who would pour her heart and soul into a cause that isn’t meant for her to deal with. The only qualities you have are that of a cold and uncaring bastard. So yeah, its about time you moved the fuck on because she really doesn’t give a fuck at all.

Anonymous said...

i still think you are hot though (=

UjSen said...

Dayum, I should write stuff like this more often. People seem to love it...or hate it rather, either way,it's great for hits.

UjSen said...

@ J : I don't forget people. I remember details too well.


@Anjalee : It's subjective really. It all comes down to philosophy...mine is simple, be nice to those who're nice to you, be indifferent to ones who're indifferent to you, hit the ones, who block your way. If they hit back, hit them harder until you can't lift your arms.

@The person who wishes to remain anonymous: Thank you.

anjalee anand said...

Haha.. Really Ujjwal. You have no idea how much you contradicted yourself right there, now do you? Its not only YOUR theory. If you look at it from her point of view, she did the same. I quote, " Be indifferent to the ones who're indifferent to you." If I'm not mistaken, you kept her hanging for more than a month. You didn't give a shit. AANND told her that you DIDN'T want to make the effort. So what if she's doing the same? Sometimes, just think twice before you apply your "philosophy" to yourself. Lol

Did I forget to mention that you're making the efforts MONTHS later. PATHETIC is the word. Really. And a blogpost? For an apology. Oh wait, this isn't an apology. Its simply asking for forgiveness. Well dayyuum, you're one lucky dog. She forgave you. What's the sudden frustration for? You got what you wanted.

UjSen said...

Precisely. I got what I wanted.