Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Change.

Is it wrong to want to cut certain people out of my life completely? To want to forget them completely, treat them like strangers even after knowing them for such a long time?

I've often been told that there come times when you just feel like creating a "revaluation/realization account" for your own self, and not on paper. It's one of those times. With the future seeming so unclear, is it wise to go ahead and start the procedure?

It's very unlike me....in the sense, I've always held on, always backed out in case of conflict. Maybe it's the way I've been brought up. I have never harbored ill will. Whenever in a bad spot, I've taken my time, sometime months, but patched things up so as to say. I can't live knowing somewhere out there has serious issues with me.

But as this year comes to an end..... I realize that I was a very different person last year at this particular time, with different priorities. I wonder if it's me who's changed, or the circumstances.

It's amazing how one year can change so much. It's been a litmus test in many ways. There have been people I've said things against in anger, things that would make the ordinary person tell me to fuck off....yet today, they're great friends of mine. In spite of all the idiocy that I have thrown around , they've forgiven me.

Yet there are people who've been so close, yet so far. People who I think I've put before me to great lengths, who really couldn't care less......or so it seems. At times I wonder if  I'm just practicing the old " keep your friends close, enemies closer".


Over the last two years, I've dealt with things I had never dreamed of. Nicotine and caffeine withdrawal, drunken fights, dealing with post traumatic stress and a hyper vigilant state of mind, being cheated on(of sorts), losing two of my dogs, one who was only a year and a half, and the other who loyally stood by my side for 14 wonderful years,Generalized anxiety....it was messy to say the least. Having my relationship with my family deteriorate further.Questioning my faith and beliefs being pushed to the limits. Things I have never told anyone about. Not even close friends and family.(which in retrospect, probably made it much worse)

It's such a pleasant change, walking around the neighbourhood without scanning the area or looking around for fights that aren't going to happen, noting down people's appearances, car number plates and where I'd seen them before. Waking up at the slightest noise while trying to sleep. The cravings, the feelings of uneasiness when your body is letting you know that it wants another fag, another cup.The headaches and nausea.The stigma of having to change my subjects, and then all of a sudden for the first time, not knowing what to do next. The feeling of your entire self respect being twisted, turned and thrown away.Questioning your self worth.

But I'm glad all that happened. I guess the best part about being at your lowest, is you got nowhere to go but up.

Over the last two years, I've met new people, and gotten to know people better. People who were a pleasant change.

Some people just seemed to walk in, walk out , walk in again spit then walk out and then yell from outside.

Some people just stayed.

And then there are some people who I've been keeping, who I'm looking forward to throw out. But is it normal to feel a bit......scared about doing so? While I'd love to throw them out, there's also this other part telling me to try and get to know them better, give them another chance, and let them give me another chance.


A voice inside me tells that I should just let things be and let life take it's course. And then I have another voice mocking the first one and telling it to go take a hike.Telling me to be realistic, telling me that it's not possible to have good friends without a few haters.

Maybe it's just a phase. Maybe it's change.


But still in spite of everything said and done. It's funny how there are still certain things, small and big...wishes and wants, that haven't changed....and hopefully never will.


"Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life".

7 comments:

Purba said...

It always helps to sit back and introspect, to take stock. And you know what, it's only you who knows the answers.

You have to decide, you have to be firm and there should be no looking back.

Am I sounding like your Mom?

Dandelion said...

No, i dont think ur wrong.

Live for yourself...do things you want to...dont worry about the rest...

I'm a firm believer of fate n it is my view that if a certain person or thing is destined to be in your life, it will always find its way towards you in the end!

Meher S B said...

I guess rationalising everything is the only thing that works. I can relate to it, I've been through such conflicting emotions a great no of times. People,who you wish you could throw out but then you don't want to. The only thing you can do is be by yourself, retrospect and decide.
Cheers.

NIk said...

What happened to the dogs??

UjjwalRaaj said...

@purba: You're right...there should be no looking back.... Haha no you don't sound like my mom...you're far from it.

@Dandy: I like that. If it's meant to be, it will be.

@meher: So did you throw them out?! :S

@Nlk: They died.

Dandelion said...

Yeah, N dont forget: keep faith!

n btw, you n your fabulous blog just won an award at my little place! go grab it! =]

UjjwalRaaj said...

ZOMG.