Sunday, January 01, 2012

The Year That Was.

I write this after coming back from one of the popular clubs here in Bangkok. And somehow, I feel compelled to write a little. So many questions, so many answers, so many questions that remain unanswered. It's funny how people change, or maybe I'm the one lacking mutability.

So this was the year I got out of school with pathetic scores. Sat for Law,Architecture, Media and Business entrances. Nailed each one of them. I enjoyed giving them. And yes it is possible for a person to have diverse interests. I believe I'd be just as good at any one of them as I am with my subject today. Got acceptance letters to every place I'd wanted to, besides one, because I was too lazy to upload my marks online.(Cough Cough *CBS# cough) I got into the best media school in the country, an offer I did not think twice about taking up. I got accepted into every university I applied to in the UK as well. Didn't bother taking it up, didn't feel like it anymore. Felt good though. You may think I'm boasting, well yes I am. And I couldn't care less. Judgement is not for you to be delivered.

While a lot of people were busy partying, having the time of their lives the last two years,I stressed myself to a great extent, Took all the pictures I could with a cellphone camera. Made whatever tracks I could with a seriously under powered processor and rig. I spent countless nights awake, pondering over what my purpose in life is.

I helped a few people and pointed them in the right direction, from my point of view, regarding their pathways. They're all doing very well for themselves now.

I moved to a different city, Pune, a city that will call mine, for years to come. A city that I will perhaps defend unconditionally.........and  this is based just on a little more than half a year's worth of experience.

I met new people, people with similar interests, people on the same plane as me. People who didn't need a lot of explaining to do to. People who would finish my sentences. And after 13 years in an environment that is severely counterproductive, and deeply frustrating for creative people, it was a welcome change.

I met someone who belongs to the same family tree, a distant cousin of sorts, a gift from God,  a wish for an elder brother fulfilled. He's an audio junkie like I am. Icing on the cake? Understatement. We happen to share a similar philosophy on many things. He made adjusting to life in a new city that much easier.

I also met another distant cousin for the first time. Wild mother fucker he is. Brilliant stuff. His age does not reflect in his lifestyle. Crazy.

In the first 6 months of college, I met the "Big B" on the sets of the ever popular quiz show, with huge money. I shook hands with the producer, a legend in his own right. If that wasn't enough, I won a competition, sat with a man called Anuraag Kashyap, and his old friend Imtiaz Ali over wine beer, and cheese behind the exits of a cinema theater after watching my first movie in Mumbai, that too at a premiere. Sudhir Mishra, Vikramaditya Motwane and Prakash Jha threw us a couple of points. Kalki Koechlin is a very nice person. It was like a dream.

I met a guy who I play guitar with. Had a couple of gigs. Another want satisfied. We played at one of India's biggest college festivals and won.

I almost died. Experienced my life flashing before my eyes. It's changed me. All that stuff they say is actually true. It does happen. And honestly, I think everyone should experience it. It sets a lot of things straight.The entire two days tested friendships, tested our will to live. So what if we had to pour hot wax on our feet to keep the blood flowing, it toughened us, and left a lasting impression.

A few people cut me off from their lives. People I've not done justice to, people who tried their very best, when I was on the wrong side of things to help me, but I refused. I realize that now, but life goes on. 

I've hurt a lot of people. And that's an understatement. In my eccentricities and pursuits, I've ignored a lot of people. That's come around to me, in a way that hits me the most. Through a person who makes this world seem too small for the both of us. And to make matters worse it's a woman.Shooting her would be a crime by law, a kind of social service from my kind of view. Same goes for a lot of other people. Hope somebody stops me years later, when I shall be in possession of arms and ammunition. Else I'd be in the wrong place at the wrong time, with the wrong kind of temperament, and the wrong kind of substances running through my veins.

There's a monster that lurks beneath my skin, the anti hero, He will take over one day. Perhaps the day I shall finally feel free.

I had to part with a wonderful girl, who has brought much happiness into my life. A silent pillar of strength.I miss her, but life goes on.

There were people who said I wouldn't make it, there were times when I felt like shit. I had almost given up. People who represented everything I believed to be just plain wrong were getting ahead. I caught up to them and beat them. I'm reminded of a time when a fellow basketball teammate from high school called me the Usain Bolt of Blue house, because I started last and finished before the rest. I was flattered. I dismissed it at the time, but come to think of it, he did have a point.

Somethings never change, some things are best left unsaid.

I still feel like I'm stuck on a divider with traffic on both sides moving at incredible speed. It's intimidating I must admit, the only difference being, I now let my cam's shutter stay open for 30 seconds and get brilliant streaks, and a nice photograph.

I've discovered the workaholic in me. I love it. Stress comes from not the workload, but the lack of my ability to make real what I visualize. I'm working ten times harder, smoking more, drinking more. Not a very nice combination.

I interned with one of Asia's leading think tanks. It was life changing again, to say the least.

This year has been one hell of a roller coaster ride. I'm slightly nauseous. I hope for bigger and better things to come.

I am tired of setting goals too high to remain disappointed. I am tired of feeling this lack of satisfaction from whatever I achieve, no matter how brilliant people say it might be. Dharma, Artha, Kama, and Moksha,I will strive to outrun and outperform, if I cannot beat my competition I will destroy it. And if you're thinking of coming in my way, I swear to god, I will destroy you. I refuse to blend in, to follow norms. I was made to stand out and by god I will.

Having said that, there still remains a void within me, that nothing seems to fill. And that sucks, to say the least.

There's a juggernaut in each of us. Mine is awakening. It will take time to fully wake up. But it shall. I look forward to that day.

I pray for the well being and prosperity of the underdog, the voices that remain unheard, and the so called 'weak' who are trampled upon every day.The ones who are told it is 'not' possible.

Bring it on 2012.  Bring it fucking on.


Fat Gulf Kid said...

You are in Symbiosis ? (:

Meher said...

A lot happened, eh? But the point is, must do good for yourself. The void will be filled, sooner or later.
Happy new year.
Much love :)

Disguise said...

You eloquent child :)

Hamsini said...

Sometimes its amazing how your posts are so relatable.
You'll live this year through. It'll work out. It's supposed to.

IceMaiden said...

Bring it on, indeed. Cheers.

Sanjana M said...

Where did you intern?

Anonymous said...

you got histrionic personality disorder or something?

UjjwalRaaj said...

@Fat Gulf Kid: Yes. And because your name has 'gulf' I'm sure you know someone there as well!

@Meher: Thanks Meher, I hope so. Happy 2012. Love :)

@Disguise: Oh Hush.

@Hamsini: It is now? Really? Optimistic eh? :D

@Ice: Totally \m/ You just got married.That's well huge to say the least! 2011 was a ride for you to I figure!

@Sanjana: I don't really want to let that out here. I'm sure you'll understand. Mail me?

@Anonymous: Lol no, I'm sure you got that off my cousin's FB wall. We were just referring to someone else we both know really well, someone who seems to be very close to the edge.

Tanvi said...

You had one hell of a year... Nicely worked out the year 2011 and moved ahead... Look forward enjoy 2012 :):)


Anonymous said...

Ujjwal, it should be "judgment is not for you to deliver", not "to be delivered". Just thought you might wanna correct it.

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