Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Puff Off.

Mostly  fiction. will include it in a script somewhere someday. Just felt like writing this. I read on someone's facebook profile that the person was 'too cool' to smoke, or do drugs. I felt insulted because as much as i respect the choice of not indulging oneself .....I believe that respect should be mutual. 

I do not like smokers. I have no soft corner for them. I do not like the taste of cigarette smoke. I do not like people who smoke packs a week, some a day.

I smoke. Knowing fully the risk I am putting my physiology at. Knowing fully that there are chances of me dying of cancer. I am not addicted to cigarettes. Nor do I think I will ever be.

It was in the seventh grade that I lit my first cigarette...how well I remember that day....I stole two India Kings from my dads pack the night before, having no idea about strong, mild, or regular cigarettes. Plain curiosity.Boy did I learn the hard way.

Five seconds into taking my first drag, the nicotine hit my head for the first time, and it hit me hard. I was amazed, at the same time and yet scared of what happened to me.It was a state of confusion, yet clarity. I was more scared about the smell of smoke from me, so  I never bothered about the second one.

Later on along the way , I realized there was something wrong with me. My mind felt like it was at a busy intersection on a hot afternoon in Delhi, with cars all around me blasting black metal. My mind felt like it was driving down a highway, being overtaken by those I had passed long ago.My mind felt too many things all at the same time.

My family ties were weakening. My impulsiveness, aggression increasing. People noticed the difference.

After months of deliberation, in class ten, I bought my first pack of cigarettes. Gold Flakes to be precise. I made a promise to myself, "only when it's absolutely necessary".

A pack of ten would last for two months. My basketball days were dwindling, I could tell, my worsening knee condition wasn't permitting me to run. So losing out on my stamina didn't matter to me.

Like most people will remember the first time they gave their board exams, it brings with it long nights. I loved coffee. I would often spend an hour beating the coffee and steaming the milk to get my blend right. People at home thought I was crazy, but it was in those small things, that I found happiness and satisfaction.

Coffee with a cigarette, I realized was the best break ever. With a kit kat to sweeten it afterwards.

High school brings with it it's own share of adventure. It was in the 11th grade that I smoked openly, much to the shock of my mates who didn't know what it was like. Except one, who gave me a heads up and told me to change brands instead.

One by one, I saw most of my friends lighting up. And one by one, I saw all of them becoming addicts.
Not more than once a week became not more than one a day. Not more than one a day, became not more than one pack a day.

I went back to my cousin's place in a very nice country, met up with friends and family, a certain someone who I had a soft corner for. It was in this damsel's company and at her beckoning that I decided to not do it again. After a long time, my mind was at ease, it felt calm, like it had been given four years of therapy.

But all good things must come to an end I'm told.

That setting changed, her boyfriend changed, my work environment changed. my outlook to certain aspects of life changed.

So I felt I had , had enough of it all, and lit up once more. It was like these white soldiers of death were my best friends giving me company while I was lonely. Silently whispering into my ear, words that would bring me solace and comfort and joy.

A cigarette at the end of a long tiring stressful day, accompanied with a chilled beer was as good as a warm blanket on a cold winter night.

I never smoked to 'fit in' or 'be cool' . In my experience, most of the people I've seen getting hooked on , is not because of those reasons, but serious issues. It could be family, friends work, whatever. I believe only a small fraction of people start smoking to fit in. Some out of curiosity.

The only people who have a right to tell people not to smoke, when to smoke, are people who are smokers or have been smokers. OR people I care about.

I smoke, it's my choice. I need a break. Get me an alternate solution to clearing my head, I will.

I've done marijuana on occasion as well. As much as I'd like to I'm not doing it over and over again. Once in a blue moon.

Anything is bad in excess. But there is NOTHING wrong with an occasional smoke.

I care very little about myself.  Find me an alternative high and I will stop.

But please don't disrespect or judge people because of the fact that they have a cigarette now and then.

And if you are someone who lit up to fit in, I'd really want to shove a pack up your ass right now.

And the dude who had that shit on his profile, man seriously I'd love to set you on fire.



wildflower said...

Amazingly well written! More importantly.. I totally agree with your views on this one..

Anonymous said...

white soldiers of death..
well written ujjwal !

Sachin S

kanika said...

i love this.
i'm going to stalk your blog.