Friday, May 06, 2011

I need a worldcup win or maybe Bin Laden.




Recently a very good friend of mine was telling me how she could never imagine me to be a lawyer.
How she could never imagine me getting up in the morning , sorting my paperwork, coming home late cranky and annoyed, work with my paperwork and then argue with my wife and go to sleep without so much as a goodnight wish.

I let her know, that minus the wife, my life these days wasn't very different.

Over time I realized at that moment, that I have become the kind of person I would make fun of.

Over a year, from being someone who had very simple but clear cut wants, I've become this messy money obsessed person. I can't explain it. I used to be the kinds that wanted enough to keep me happy...but lately....it just doesn't seem enough. I want it all. Every penny. I like material things now. It's kinda scary. I can't look at things without monetizing them in some way or another. I'm always looking for some kind of gain.Even in people.In all relationships.Weighing the pros and cons....like the furniture people pick..... what they really need before moving to a different city.

From being the 'nice' guy, who always has a good word for everyone, I've become this dirty cranky cynic who scoffs at anything remotely romantic.

I can't even write anymore. It's weird. If I wasn't drinking right now, I wouldn't be writing this.

I fit all the symptoms of a midlife crisis. Except I'm 18. -_-

I do not enjoy my work.(or the lack of it thereof)
I feel vindictive and hateful towards people getting and taking better opportunities.
I have no specific goals as of now. Let alone myself, even God laughs at my 'dreams'. I feel it. 
I have a deep fear of humiliation. 
I feel like sleeping. ALL the time.
Drinking doesn't make my happy anymore. Not even while partying.
Marijuana makes me paranoid.(laugh if you must, but it's not funny when it happens to you)

I do NOT enjoy making music anymore. 
I do NOT like art anymore. 
I do NOT like photography anymore.
I do NOT like writing anymore.
I do NOT like reading anymore.

I like sleeping.
All I like eating is sandwiches from Subway...and other junk.
All I like drinking is beer. That too only Budweiser. I like how it's cold prickly bitersweetness sizzles on my toungue. And water.
I like wandering aimlessly.

The only music I listen to is U2 and tuning on DI.fm's trance channel once in a while.

I have lost my ability to hit on girls. I don't even like girls anymore. I don't like guys either. Sorry.

I've become a very boring person.

I miss the feeling of excitement....that subtle nervousness. These days I just couldn't care less, be it anything.

I am constantly questioning the purpose of my life, my dreams, ambitions, what I've achieved so far, no matter how insignificant it all might be.( Read VERY).

Nothing makes sense anymore.

I need something like a world cup win. Once in a lifetime kinda thing. I wish I was the Navy SEAL who shot Bin Laden....something significant and rare.

There are people I seem to have lost forever, who I'd give anything to have with me right now. People who I probably will never see again. I can't get them out of my head.

It's like I'm craving for that one hit. That one shot of euphoria. That one shot of ecstasy that will make me come alive again.


So yeah don't be surprised about the lack of activity on blogger from my part. Or even tumblr. It's just I really don't feel like it these days.

13 comments:

Ice Maiden said...

Just relax. Its the heat getting to you maybe :P And Budweiser? Ew. Carlsberg fan for life I am. Though Im not much of a beer drinker anyway. :p

Ok seriously. It happens. I was this too about half a year back, poor blog of mine almost died. Then I sat and made a list of things I really want to do / or had planned to do something. And just got around doing it. I practically forced myself to take my cam and hit the streets. I didn't like doing it. I forced myself. And after a couple of good shots later, I started to like it. Do that. Helps bigtime. Oh and I actually went 'clean' for 3 whole months. It was a bitch but I felt good crossing it off my list of things to do. :P

About the not liking girls or guys... well I dunno what that is :/ so well..

One last thing. Being money-oriented isn't bad at all. After all money pays for all these activities of mine, ya know! :) True story. Relationships and romance should be fillers for an activity filled life. Keep it that way and life becomes MUCH simpler than ever before. :)

Cheers,
Annie.

Ice Maiden said...

Ok that was long! :O :P

Amropali said...

- I like material things now. It's kinda scary.(check)
-From being the 'nice' guy, who always has a good word for everyone, I've become this dirty cranky cynic who scoffs at anything remotely romantic. (check)
-All I like eating is sandwiches from Subway(check)
-I've become a very boring person.(check)


The rest, not yet.
errrmm.. I cant even get the 'midlife crisis' right!
Ah.. maybe when I am in my mid life.

p.s: There are somethings that money can't buy..but then money can buy the things which can get you the things that money can't buy.

$ Cheers $

Ruhani said...

Woah! I'm strangely not liking the fact that you're not into Music or Photography anymore! :/ GET YOURSLEF BACK MISTER! :/

Priyanka Banerjee said...

Woah, that was quite something huh? :/ But then atleast you're admitting and acknowledging your problems!
Did you go through some haadsa or something?!

UjjwalRaaj said...

@Ice

Carlsberg is awesome yes...but somehow it feels a bit too...refined....They go great with food...but yeah, buds just sizzle so nicely, they make my eyes water at times. I love that :P

And yeah I figured it's because I'm committed to one person. It's why I don't find others interesting enough. Weird.

It's not about money being bad...I've just never wanted truckloads...until now.....right now I just feel like diving into a pool of cash.

@Amropali : LOL That was so epic! I'm going to use that one.

@Ruhani: You're 'strangely' not liking it? haaw. I thought you were my friend....sniff..

@Priyanka: Which one/What kind of haadsa?

Jessi Haish said...

Just give yourself some time. I called this a "mid-college crisis" when I started feeling this way. I think it's about growing up and changing, and figuring out what you want and need out of life...the hard way. You'll get back on track when the time is right.

Dandelion said...

whoa!!!!
reading dis post felt like looking into a mirror.
ders no hurry...gather yourself together..but at your own speed...whenever...

Vikramaditya said...

"I have lost my ability to hit on girls. I don't even like girls anymore. I don't like guys either. Sorry"

I swear man, that's been bothering alot of us lately. We could work on it, but we don't want to. It's annoyingly peaceful.

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