Recently a very good friend of mine was telling me how she could never imagine me to be a lawyer.
How she could never imagine me getting up in the morning , sorting my paperwork, coming home late cranky and annoyed, work with my paperwork and then argue with my wife and go to sleep without so much as a goodnight wish.
I let her know, that minus the wife, my life these days wasn't very different.
Over time I realized at that moment, that I have become the kind of person I would make fun of.
Over a year, from being someone who had very simple but clear cut wants, I've become this messy money obsessed person. I can't explain it. I used to be the kinds that wanted enough to keep me happy...but lately....it just doesn't seem enough. I want it all. Every penny. I like material things now. It's kinda scary. I can't look at things without monetizing them in some way or another. I'm always looking for some kind of gain.Even in people.In all relationships.Weighing the pros and cons....like the furniture people pick..... what they really need before moving to a different city.
From being the 'nice' guy, who always has a good word for everyone, I've become this dirty cranky cynic who scoffs at anything remotely romantic.
I can't even write anymore. It's weird. If I wasn't drinking right now, I wouldn't be writing this.
I fit all the symptoms of a midlife crisis. Except I'm 18. -_-
I do not enjoy my work.(or the lack of it thereof)
I feel vindictive and hateful towards people getting and taking better opportunities.
I have no specific goals as of now. Let alone myself, even God laughs at my 'dreams'. I feel it.
I have a deep fear of humiliation.
I feel like sleeping. ALL the time.
Drinking doesn't make my happy anymore. Not even while partying.
Marijuana makes me paranoid.(laugh if you must, but it's not funny when it happens to you)
I do NOT enjoy making music anymore.
I do NOT like art anymore.
I do NOT like photography anymore.
I do NOT like writing anymore.
I do NOT like reading anymore.
I like sleeping.
All I like eating is sandwiches from Subway...and other junk.
All I like drinking is beer. That too only Budweiser. I like how it's cold prickly bitersweetness sizzles on my toungue. And water.
I like wandering aimlessly.
The only music I listen to is U2 and tuning on DI.fm's trance channel once in a while.
I have lost my ability to hit on girls. I don't even like girls anymore. I don't like guys either. Sorry.
I've become a very boring person.
I miss the feeling of excitement....that subtle nervousness. These days I just couldn't care less, be it anything.
I am constantly questioning the purpose of my life, my dreams, ambitions, what I've achieved so far, no matter how insignificant it all might be.( Read VERY).
Nothing makes sense anymore.
I need something like a world cup win. Once in a lifetime kinda thing. I wish I was the Navy SEAL who shot Bin Laden....something significant and rare.
There are people I seem to have lost forever, who I'd give anything to have with me right now. People who I probably will never see again. I can't get them out of my head.
It's like I'm craving for that one hit. That one shot of euphoria. That one shot of ecstasy that will make me come alive again.
So yeah don't be surprised about the lack of activity on blogger from my part. Or even tumblr. It's just I really don't feel like it these days.