Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Another year gone.

I've never liked birthdays. I feel at unease with too many happy people around.It feels claustrophobic. I'm not a very sociable person(which you may or may not have realized by now), I like being by myself or maybe celebrating with a person or two over a glass of whiskey probably over good conversation, with good music in the background maybe.

When people learn it's your birthday, there's this sudden burst of happiness, as if life was gift from God,which is far from the ground reality, that a birthday is all but a huge fabricated lie.

As a child, your birthday is the day when people would not scold you, or your teacher would pretend you didn't exist when it came to homework. But as we grow older, the circumstances change, but it essentially is the same thing.

It's almost like someone dying.

Birthday celebrations for me have been synonymous with superficiality, superfluousness.....a constant reminder through the entire day, as to how happiness is short lived...a day which I look forward to ending, to rid myself of this magnum load of 'feeling special' that is thrust upon me. It is a day that people don't bother remembering, because they're to busy getting through with their lives.

For as long as I can remember,my birthdays have been routine. Calls in the night beginning with the girls who enjoy calling people and wishing them, to the people who are up on facebook at 4 AM who after seeing the right upper corner of their page rush to get their phones...after all, the sooner you get over with it the better, of course. Sleeping rather early in the morning only to wake up towards mid afternoon(I would take off from school, or come back home early), start looking back at the year, what I hoped to achieve, and what I actually had. Have all the birthday wishes pouring in from here and there. From the few hundred facebook friends who wouldn't know otherwise, but still took the pains to post a wish on my wall. The day would continue and me lost in my thoughts of heavy self introspection would continue to go about like any other day and towards the end have dinner with the family.

Then I would come back, and by now all the positivity and happiness would feel like a rich gravy of guilt that would eventually be borderline nauseating.

So, I celebrate not my birthday, but it's passing. It's by the end of the day that I finally come to terms with my failures,my disappointments, the realization that another year has passed, that I am a year older, that there are people exactly my age fighting wars, and winning grammys while I haven't even taxied to the runway, let alone take off. I pour myself a drink as the clock strikes 12 and the day has gone. I'm finally back to normal again.

This year was slightly different.

One- I forgot my birthday, until I was reminded by two friends.

Two- I was not in school, or at home, but in an office, loving my work.

Three- A senior at work, discovered it was my birthday after seeing the wishes on my facebook profile(hiding the date did not help)

Four- He along with everyone in the office(including the director) decided to throw a party for the new workaholic intern.( They just needed an excuse...but yeah)

Five- Samosas and Jalebis, with candles on them.

Very Awkward.

I continued with work until 7 PM and then headed home after a solitary walk towards getting an auto rickshaw, while smoking a gold flake. Dinner with family at the LaLit and I was back home.

This was one of my 'happier' birthdays. I was too busy to think. And I still celebrated the passing. Chivas 15 years.

If my dad finds out , needless to say, this will be the last post birthday posts from me.

But it's now I realize, what a crazy year it's been. After 2009, this is probably crazier. I'll write about both later on, but for now, this should do it. I have work tomorrow. So see you soon.


IceMaiden said...

You know. I will probably copy this post - word for word - in about a weeks time.


To the passing.

Meher said...


I think Imma copy paste it now. You know, I was so happy that I'd be busy on my birthday but things got canned, and I ended up at home with friends asking me to meet up. WTF.

P. S. We're 19.

Dandelion said...

best line - birthday is all but a huge fabricated lie.
nevertheless, i for one love them and so, "Happy belated Birthday!"

nil said...

yea yea all that is fine, I want momos. lets go today evening?

UjjwalRaaj said...

@Ice: Just link it back to my page. I could really use some hits. It's proving a bit difficult to be back on track.

@Meher: Yes. We're only getting older. Next year we'll be 20. That's scary. I should start thinking about fucking marriage.

@Dandelion: I'm glad you're happy...for me, well it's just another day.

@Nil: Tomorrow pakka.

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