Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Getting lost.


incase you can't the followings are the ramblings a boy who's failed at comitting suicide. He's telling his story after he's woken up at the hospital. The events and what follow.


Sometimes I’d just feel like getting lost.

It’s like with every trance track that lifted me higher, with every opeth track that made me float, with every cigarette I smoked afterwards to bring me back, the need to get lost just became stronger....like i was living a lie. Like my entire life in front of me, this world, the BMW M3 parked around the corner that I would stare at and hope to own and drive someday, the toasted bread with crunchy peanut butter on top, I chewed on for breakfast , was all an illusion.....and certain kinds of music were tunnels through which i could see the truth....which wasn’t happiness....but sheer joy. It was addictive. I was hooked.

It was like every painting, every photograph, any surreal piece of art seemed to be drenched in reality while I was living a lie. You don’t know you’re dreaming until you’ve woken up.....except for those moments inside a dream when you realize you’re dreaming.

I wanted to wake up.

It was like the very air I was breathing , I knew wasn’t real. It was like there was someone , something up there watching me.....like this whole planet was an ant farm in some curious 12 year olds make shift science lab.

I was tired. Tired of being the only one awake in a world full of people who walked around sleeping with their eyes open., people who’s ambition in life was to make enough money to make a decent living, to get rich, or die trying. But there’s nothing such as enough.

Money, Sex , alcohol and substances. All the worlds problems could be traced to one or more of those words.

And ironically enough, in this vicious cycle that our civilizations been trapped in....it’s those four that solve the problems.

Call me an escapist. But was getting away from this nightmare of a world and going someplace new, someplace filled with joy, someplace that felt real, a wrong thing to do?

I was a failure. And because of my hyper vigilance and high rates of self awareness, I saw the world for what it was. A lie. There is no heaven or hell after death. Because we’re already in hell.We just don't realize. 

A world where the guards don’t guard themselves. A world where greed,impulse and power are taken seriously. A world where a blind man is invisible. A world where parents can’t trust their children, and their children can’t trust them. A world where innocent animals are beaten, killed, injured and treated as the scum of society. A world where the people who don’t have a home aren’t given one. A world where taking the right path is suicide. A world where children are raped before they can even recite the alphabet.

I rather fall sleep forever and then wake up.

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