Saturday, January 01, 2011

The asshole.

IMG ourtesy : Piyush Bhardwaj


There are assholes........and then there are assholes who don't know they're assholes. They're the ignorant assholes. Then there are those who fall victim to fate and circumstance. They're what I'd like to call accidental assholes.There's also something called the wannabe asshole.Then there are also those who I'd like to call the Ch(u)ootiya assholes.....(good luck trying to get your head around that one.)

The accidental assholes are well.....as the name suggests accidental...and by this I am not referring to the product of their parents (mis)adventures, but the circumstances and conditions that surround their assholeness. A guy knocks a girl's glass of wine over her dress(read bust) and then does something that everyone finds very awkward. He tries to wipe it off. If he does, he's an asshole. If he doesn't he's an asshole anyway. That my dear friends is the accidental asshole. He might be the nicest guy on the planet, or not. He might be the next Gandhi, or the next Hitler. Either way, to wipe or not to wipe, that is the question...to which the answer is always assholeness....no pun intended....(though even the pun is most definitely a sick one come to think of it...el oh el. )

The accidental asshole could be the fashion enthusiast across the road who was actually looking at your dress and what you thought was something else.The context in which he sizes you up, is the difference between him being an accidental asshole or not. He could be the guy who let you climb the ladder first out of sheer politeness and honestly didn't realize you were wearing a skirt. He could be the guy who really couldn't avoid landing on you, your ice cream, your pram, while trying to catch a ball in the park. He could be the guy going through hell, not calling you because he genuinely needed to be alone for a while.

O judgment!
Thou art fled to brutish beasts,
And men(and women) have lost their reason.....

The wannabe assholes are the most annoying kind. They're the dentists to the surgeons. They're the armed constables to the MARCOs. They're the password crackers to the ethical hackers. They're the IMFL to the direct imports.They're the mouth faggers to the smokers. They're the Sativa to the Ruderalis. They're the ones overtaking from the left in expensive cars, honking modified honks, to the ones  waiting patiently behind you as you drive along.They're the Pornistani politicians to the Indians.The Ching Chongs to Us(S). They're the north Indian born punjabisized bengali youth to the stalwarts in Bengal. They're the loudmouths who don'tshut up in Bengal to the elitist pseudo bongs in Delhi. (No offence to either)The deranged women who go against waxing and wearing bras to the not so deranged feminists.They're the Cobras to the Durexes...you get my point.

They're the ones who try so hard to be the asshole, that they actually manage to become one. The married ones cheating on their significant others before the age of thirty.The losers carrying forward five relationships at a time. The ones to get hammered on relationship based reality television. All this at a discouned cost of having their testicles crushed, their hair pulled, their friends avoiding them. Offer does not include divorce settlements and medical insurance.In short, they're everything your average wannabe is - A person trying to be someone they're not. A person trying to ‘pose’. Yes men, come on admit it….you do it too.  PLUS all the benefits of risking social isolation....and a pair of cool shades to wear in the dark.

Then comes my favourite type. The Chootiya(or Chutiya) asshole. This is the kind that believes in being an asshole when least required. They’re the kind that spit pan on a clean wall and then defend themselves, the teachers in school that leered at you when your grandparents genuinely died and you were not shedding false tears because, lets face it, you didn’t cry much. They’re the bosses that yelled at you on bring your kid to work day. The doctors that made your brother fill up the form at the hospital after the accident, while letting you enjoy your trips in and out of consciousness and severe blood loss.

They’re the overweight cops who walk over an investigation scene with muddy shoes and let the media walk straight in. The ones who can’t as much as take fingerprints properly, arrest the father after making ludicrous allegations and getting the name of his murdered daughter wrong. The ones who launch a hunt for their prime suspect who turns up dead on the terrace.

The chootiya assholes are the ministers trying to build massive concrete parks with statues of dead men who were anything but chootiyas. They might have been assholes yes, but in situations where and when demanded. They are the reporters on television who are not only bossy, prejudiced and have a fetish for lobbyists but are also annoying and ugly as fuck. They’re the people in power, or the man behind your bank desk, thinking they can get away with stealing loose change worth millions and no one will notice.

The man who won’t clear your file at the municipal corporation. The douche who won’t clear your loan, the list goes on.

The fact remains, this world is full of them, man , woman, boy, girl even children now.

Love them or hate them, you can’t ignore the assholes.

15 comments:

Rudraksh Banerjie said...

Hahaha!!!!! xD
Epic shit! So true!! xD xD

Koo said...

Bloody hilarious and strong!

Disguise said...

I think I'm gonna bookmark this and make everyone I know read it.

Yes, you should worship me right about now.

Alka said...

Sarcasm at its best....True though.

Joyee Bhattacharya said...

Witty Humour..Saracasm..That's Bloody Cool!
The day I am able to write that way..My blog's gonna be one happening thing! (Just like yours is! :-p)

nil said...

haha.. not bad, not bad at all.

Priyanka Banerjee said...

Hahahaha xD
Very hilarious analysis.
Assholes everywhere will be trying to figure out which category they belong to :P
But its mainly about male assholes? The female assholes feel left out :/

Nikita said...

Man that's creative. And so true. Who pissed you off in the very beginning of 2011 for you to come up with that??

Also, it really wouldn't be so bad if kids were taught this in school. :P

Essay Tea said...

maybe u could put out a thesis:
"Comparitive Analyses Between the Three Forms of Assholes: A Study" by Ujjwal R. Sen

Arjit Srivastava said...

Complete hilarious assholiness type of chutiyaapa!

bengalimishtiz said...

Damn amazing....and so true. :D

We want more!

UjjwalRaaj said...

@Rudy koo, disguise and alka Thank you!

@ Joyee : I wish.

@Priyanka : Talking about yourself? :P

@Nikita : Oh yes totally! I had written it much before. A lot of people had pissed me off. :D

Dandelion said...

ok, maybe m stupid to admit it but I'm an accidental asshole! :|

vineet said...

all i can smell is quality shit..awesome going dudeee

S said...

And what kind of asshole are you?
*wicked laugh*

p.s: The post was killer! :)